My Second Second Birthday
Today, 18 October 2016, is my second Second Birthday. Yes, that’s correct, Second Birthday. Two years ago today everything changed for me and I started down a new, healthy, and happy path that I plan to follow all the way to the end. I was born again into a new life and was given a spirit that would learn how to free itself from the bonds of the past and become something brighter and more beautiful than I had ever imagined was possible.
Today comes exactly 6 months from the birthday on my driver’s license and I greatly enjoy the poetic beauty of this counterposition on the calendar. 18 April has always meant another year past, another tick on the clock, another year survived. There was no joy in it, just enduring. Another year of misery had passed and what would the point be of celebrating that?
18 October, however, means that Ive actually *lived* another year. Lived and experienced beauty and happiness and joy and compassion and love free from the bonds of suffering and horror.
Two years ago today I was broken beyond words. My life was one of constant pain and shame. There was no joy, no happiness, I hid behind the facade of normalcy I presented to the world to hide the deep wellspring of sorrow behind my eyes. I wanted out, I needed it to end. Every minute was torture to my soul.
I had a plan to end it, I saw only one way out after all the other options had failed. I didn’t know why I was this way but I was and there was nothing I could do to change it except not be alive any more.
But a dear friend overhead me one night, planning and plotting my end of days, and offered me another option. He told me of a therapist offering unusual and unauthorised treatments to those in need. Eventually I overcame my fear and reached out to him before I took that final step. (ed.- these events are detailed here)
Two years ago to the day, everything is changed. The unconventional methods worked and I was released from the pain through these wizarding ways. To be sure it wasn’t as fast as the wave of a wand but after decades of suffering it seemed almost like. Each new day dawns brighter than the last even to this day. The work continues and challenges still arise but with the tools and experience gained in the last two years I know I will continue to overcome them and win this battle for my Self.
I am finally becoming someone I am not ashamed of being which seems like a rebirth indeed.
I had thought of planning a party but that never materialised, it seemed somehow inappropriate and even gauche. I didn’t understand until yesterday why that was. For me, today is a day of giving, of helping, of compassion. It is a day to use these amazing gifts I’ve discovered to give something back to the Universe which has given me the great gift of healing. From now on 18 October will be a day, among many others through the year hopefully, that I will give love and compassion to those who need it and provide help where and however I can.
Even as I realised what I wanted the format of this day to be for me I realised I had already celebrated in the most perfect and appropriate of ways. I have been able to pass this amazing gift on to someone else. A dear friend was living much as I used to; in pain, suffering with no hope of escape.
Much as my other friend did for me, I talked to her about MDMA-assisted psychotherapy and what it could do. And much as I did, she hesitated and doubted and pulled back at first. Then came the day she realised, precisely as many of us do that it’s now or nothing, that this has to end. Rock bottom can be an effective motivator.
Together we went to see the Wizard. I held her hand through the fears and worry beforehand and the overwhelming emotions after. We talked for hours over the following days as the swirling and changing thoughts and emotions came and went, but always went in the direction of clarity and healing.
A week later we were messaging, talking about the experience. The progress is amazing to see from this side of things. Her way of speaking is different, her outlook is different, everything is different. The hope and the joy of being released from the bondage of pain are palpable. I mentioned my upcoming Second Birthday and wondered if maybe we would be celebrating her first one next year. She replied, “maybe we will!” I burst into tears from the hope contained in those words coming from someone who, just a week before, had no hope at all.
If there was any appropriate way to celebrate my Second Birthday, that was it. I am so very grateful to have had the chance to help share this amazing gift with someone else. I could not have asked for a more perfect celebration than to play a small role in adding to the happiness in the world.
