An Open Apology to my Friends
A few days ago a person whom I”ve never met face to face sent me an email that has shaken me to my core and has made me question, even moreso than before, the rhyme and reason, the wherefores and whyfors, of who and what I am. That email was necessary and welcome because it gave me an outside view of certain patterns of behaviour that I needed to hear. I can”t fix something I don”t know is broken. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.
I have a particular brand of humour that is well known among my friends. It”s often commented on, usually with rolled eyes and an exasperated sigh, and rarely stays within the bounds of propriety. Most of the time, at least at this point in my life, I am able to recognise boundaries and limits and keep the joking fun and have it received in the way it is intended. But not always. There are times I cross those boundaries and unintentionally deliver insult or hurt.
It is these moments that I wish to clarify and apologise for.
As a few of you already know I was subjected to years of cruel and abusive treatment when I was young. I don”t say this as an excuse but as an explanation and hopefully as a path to understanding. The whole story is too long for this format but my ”father” damaged me in ways I am still discovering and it turns out I now have come to realise just how my style of humour is yet another tendril of his cancer that has metastasised into my psyche.
The friend who wrote the email has also been lending valuable critiques of the book I am writing that details many of my experiences. She is one of the few people who has a real idea about what my early years were like and this gave her a specific perspective from which to comment. The most salient part of her email-
“I don”t mind the Be a Dick game, obviously. This is not the point at all. It”s awkward for me to have actually read the part of your book which is written and realize from when the thing you do is coming. Since I don”t actually know you I am taking you at your word that you lived under such a fucker, and I have enough life experience to know that it”s all feasible.
I prefer to compartmentalise the book work and the quasi conversational banter. But I wonder if you want to be conscious of the thing, the habit kicking in, reflexively framing the retort to not only point out error but do it in a demeaning way, and inferring that the other person is worthless. I an also assuming that it isn”t your intention to do so.”
While I immediately thanked her for her insight I was also filled with horror and crushing sadness. With these few sentences my view of why I do certain things changed dramatically and I realised that when I am inadvertently hurtful that is his influence and example that I am carrying on. I can”t imagine anything more terrible than hurting someone I care about.
He was a vile, despicable creature and I learned from him as a young boy that “funny” was insulting and hurting people. Insult humour was how I learned to relate to people and, obviously, not everyone is ok with that, understands it, or likes it. From him I learned an arrogant dismissal of everyone and everything else. He instilled a dark poison in my soul that continues to burn and do its horrible work to this very moment.
As a younger adult this way of interacting with people caused problem after problem for me and over the years I had to learn the hard way, losing friends and jobs and more, how to change and modify. Learning the lessons as an adult through trial and error you should have been taught as a child is no fun. I know I”ve made great strides and am so much better and aware than I was not even that long ago. Yet even now it”s still there and I at times say things that are only meant in jest but are not at all funny to the recipient.
There are times I feel like a monster for the things that go through my head, most of them I would never say or even admit to. I hear his voice in those thoughts and I”m working every day to silence him for good. The blinding rage and soul-crushing pain are still there and they come out in unexpected ways and I still don”t see them all or recognise them for what they are.
Despite all the broken bits of me I”m blessed with some amazing friends who are spread all over the world. You are kind, beautiful, funny, intelligent people that I am proud, each and every one of you, to call friend. You all add to my life in your unique ways and I am thankful for that. I can”t begin to tell you the depths of sorrow that I feel thinking that I may have hurt you at some point and not even known…a moment of insult or injury that you let pass because, “that”s just Rob” as one friend put it. That cut me deeply; to know that he, and likely many of you, have let things pass because you expect them from me.
I don”t want to be that person. That is not who I really am. But the words were most welcome and helpful. In this case knowing actually is half the battle. Now I know so now I can be more aware and work on it.
To anyone and everyone that I may have unknowingly, inadvertently, or in any way hurt or insulted or shamed or made feel bad or embarrassed, please know that I am incredibly and deeply sorry.
I never intended to hurt you. I”ve always said that an apology is not only an acknowledgement that one has impacted another person negatively, it is also a promise to not do it again and that is precisely what I mean when I say to you all that I”m sorry. I see it for what it is now and I will be working hard to ensure it never happens again.
Old habits and bad examples have a way of far outlasting their welcome and that is the only explanation I can make. While it was me saying the words it wasn”t entirely my voice behind them, though I bear full responsibility for them. All I will ask is that in the future you don”t let it pass. Call me out. Tell me when I cross that line from fun to not fun. Help me understand how you feel if this happens again.
I am so very sorry.
