When You Learn That a Parent Has Died
When you learn that a parent has died, there is supposed to be a sense of loss and remembering the good times. There should be nostalgia, smiles through tears, laughter at silly things that happened when you were small. Sadly, this was not so for me. I learned last night that my father shuffled off the mortal coil and the only thing I feel is relief.
This might make you think I”m a bad person or heartless. I love deeply and hard and am fiercely loyal to those I care for. But for him I will never shed a tear or feel anything other than disgust until I can resolve my rage at him. He was a monster and a tyrant and caused so much immeasurable pain. He took so much of my life from me that I”m only now beginning to take back. I suffered for decades because of him. He ruined my relationship with my mother, with my own children, he even ruined my relationship with myself. He was manipulative and cruel, vile in every way. The only time I ever saw him actually happy was when he was causing someone else to suffer. He was a narcissistic sadist who only felt powerful and good when he could inflict pain.
My anger will wane in time but I can’t help but feel like he got off easy. I deserve my anger, it is right and righteous and while it burns I will not gainsay its noble purpose.
No one I know is mourning him. Even the very few people he had in his life are relieved he is finally gone. The only thing I feel sad about is that I wish I had a real father that I could mourn. I mourn the life I never had.
I wish I had a dad that played ball with me, that helped me with homework, that I could call and talk to about work or relationships and get life advice from. I feel like I missed out on something great. Dads are supposed to be role models and cheering sections and someone to help you replace the starter on your car so it will make it all the way to college. They are supposed to be there with a bottle and shoulder when that special girl tells you it”s over. They are supposed to be waiting outside when your child is born and greet you with a knowing smile now that you finally understand how he has felt since the day you were born. That is what a dad is supposed to be.
Bob was a sick, sadistic tormenter whose only legacy is that the world is a better place without his black soul. No eyes filled with sorrow at his passing. He died alone with no one to stand by his bed. He used people and cared for no one but himself. For anyone else that would make me so sad but his arrogance was only matched by his evil. You can”t empathise with something that has no emotion.
I suppose it”s still a milestone of sorts, though not for the usual reasons one is impacted by the passing of their father.
I tipped a glass last night in a silent toast. I didn”t toast him, I drank to me. I toasted my success in freeing myself from the lies and horror he made me believe for so many years. I drank to liberation from his influence and living my life without the shame he taught me. I won”t celebrate his death, but I will celebrate the life that I took back from him. My life is my own and has been for some time now. He did his very best to make me just like him. He taught me to hate and scorn and think of myself as worthless. But I beat him. I won and I will continue to move forward and live a good life. Every moment is another victory. I will never get the lost time or opportunities or relationships back, but I can live the rest of my days happily and healthily.
The only thing he taught me, and it was a valuable lesson to be sure, is that loving the people in your life is the most important thing in the world. He showed me what happens to a life without love and I want no part of it. My people and being good to them are my number one priority. I am going to do my absolute best to ensure that when my day finally comes some of those people will be standing there to send me off. We”ll share a laugh and a tear when I exit stage left and they will know they were loved.
