Journal Entry – 22MAY2018 – Unintended Consequences

I wrote a well-received post on Mother’s Day this year but there was a line I wrote that slipped past my filter.  I was writing from my own viewpoint, of course, and failed to consider those out there less fortunate than me.  I’m not blaming myself, but rather seeing this as a teachable moment that will help me to be more careful about making pronouncements, projections, and presumptions in the future.

In describing my mother’s long, painful wait for me to figure out the source of my anger I used the phrase, “If you ever doubt a mother’s love…”  I think it’s fairly clear that I was speaking these words from the traditional and happy “Hallmark” view of a mother as always loving, always caring towards her children.  Sadly, this is not true for everyone.

I was lucky that I had a mother I could get angry at undeservedly and have her be there waiting for me when I finally got over the obstacles I needed to.  In fact, it may have been her caring that caused her to be the focus of my anger in the first place.  Why didn’t you protect me?   Knowing that she would protect me if she could, my subconscious blamed her even though she never knew I needed protecting.

My therapist reminded me that my experience is not everyone’s.  Some mothers don’t connect with their children because of their own wounds or situation.  A difficult pregnancy, stressful finances during the child’s early years, abusive relationship, and, of course, mental illness can all impact a mother’s attachment to her child and vice versa.

A friend also reached out and told me that he was happy I had my Mom back but that not everyone was that lucky, referring to his own situation. I believe I failed in that moment to properly acknowledge and honour his statements.  I was still caught up in the positive feelings writing that post had brought on and wasn’t able to pivot quickly enough to empathise with him.  For that, I am sorry.

In writing about sensitive subjects this is an important lesson for me.  It’s perfectly appropriate for me to be happy and joyful over the positive changes in my life and relationships but that should never be at the expense of recognising and respecting the challenges and pain other people face.  Language is a very powerful tool and, as someone who hopes to enter the healing arts someday and help others like myself who have endured cruelty and rejection from those who were supposed to care for them, this is a reminder to me to always look at the impact of my words and how they may be received by those who may be hurting.