Journal Entry- 14APR2018
I was leaving the grocery. My car was parked at the end of the row, in the spot farthest from the front entrance of the market. I saw a woman in a bright green shirt standing near the curb at the edge of the lot. She was looking at nothing in particular and seemed indecisive or pensive.
It was raining that cold, Seattle drizzle: not quite heavy enough to be a full rain but still enough to soak one through given a little time.
My first thought was to wonder if the woman needed help. I imagined it was lonely and cold, her shirt almost completely sodden. She had no rain clothes, no umbrella. A part of me wanted to help. But I turned when I reached my car and opened the door, putting the bags of groceries in the passenger seat before settling myself behind the wheel.
The neon brightness of her shirt approached in my peripheral vision as she walked over to the other window. I immediately felt defencive, there was a protective contraction in my gut. Instead of meeting the woman with compassion I met her with suspicion and lies.
Through the cracked window she asked, “Excuse me, I’ve been standing here for a while…would you have $2 you could spare so I could get the bus?”
“Sorry, I don’t have any cash.” I rolled up the window and out of the parking lot.
Almost immediately I realised what had happened and I felt disappointment in myself. Yet I know that reaction isn’t uncommon when faced with someone asking for help; the quick excuse and brush off, the suspicion over being taken advantage of, the annoyance at being bothered by someone else’s need.
This moment truly exemplifies how we are reduced to moral penury by the money-focused society we live in. This is mine, you can’t have it. The concept of money itself creates imbalance and inequity. Instead of bonding us together, this system seems designed to make us all predators and scavengers.
As I drove away I walked myself back through the moments between the market door and driving away. I saw the conflict within me and held myself with compassion. I saw my desire to help and also saw how old habits, the training of a lifetime, turned me away from the compassionate path to the selfish one.
Noticing the bad training of a selfish world is a good and powerful step for me, but it is only the first step. If the world is ever going to change it’s going to happen in small increments. I decided to defy my shame and social schooling.
I had a $10 bill with me. It was way too much for bus fare and I know it’s ok to set healthy boundaries for myself so I stopped at a corner store and changed the tenner for two $5 bills.
Back at the market, I didn’t see the woman where she had been standing before but the glaring colour of her shirt quickly caught my gaze. She seemed a little more desperate now, looking frustrated as she spoke to several people in quick succession and presumably was denied with similar rebuffs to what I had given her.
I turned into the parking row she was walking up and stopped next to her.
“I’m sorry. You asked for help before and I got defencive.” I handed her the money and said, “I hope you make it home ok.”
She thanked me and hurried off. Maybe she went to catch that bus, maybe not. I’ll never know. I’m happy to report that I don’t really care.
In this country we all too often put conditions on others when we lend a hand. Some might not relinquish their spare change because it might go to alcohol or drugs. Maybe this woman didn’t really need the $5. Maybe she was just buying cigarettes. The point is that it doesn’t matter.
When we make helping someone contingent on how they receive or make use of that help, we become petty tyrants. Perhaps that is in some way worse than not helping at all.
All I know is this, I no longer want to be one of the crowd that walks, eyes deliberately averted, past someone in need. No excuse or justification makes that the kind of world I want to love in. I want to be a person that breaks from the crowd, stops, and gives the unfortunate person the same love and consideration I would hope to find were I in that position.
Wherever that $5 ends up, it’s carrying a tiny bit of hope for the world with it.
4 Replies to “Journal Entry- 14APR2018”
I was approached today, in the Portland dizzle, by an older man with no front teeth. He said he and his daughter needed money to catch the bus because their car broke down. It was mid-day, light out, and a public place, yet I still felt that immediate sense of caution/danger. I clutched my purse tighter to my body and I looked around to see where I could run if I needed to. I told him I was sorry but I didn’t have any cash. He replied that even change would help as it cost $2.50 to ride. I relaxed at his reply and told him I had change in the car. He followed me to my car, which I admit made me nervous, but as I reached into my car for all the change I had, he simply stood there and said “even pennies will help”. I gave him all the change I had; he thanked me and walked away. I too do not know if the money was used for the bus and I don’t care. My unease in those situations is almost always about my safety. I don’t feel guilty about not giving money if I have it, instead I feel guilty for thinking someone will harm me if I don’t give it to them.
My point is we all have different perspectives and following your gut does not make you a bad person. I’m glad we were both able to help in a way that also made us comfortable.
I would not say that I was listening to my gut in this instance but rather social programming. Listening to one’s gut is something I think about a lot and will be the subject of a full blog post in the coming months. In regards to safety, I would advise someone to ALWAYS listen to their instincts.
I passed a woman who said she was hungry as I went into 7-11; I bought a pop-top can of soup and a yoghurt and handed to her on the way out. She thanked me and walked away, with purpose as if going home to eat. I was happy because I felt I called the situation correctly. Giving is selfish at its core – I say this all the time mostly as a reminder to myself. You expect a warm fuzzy feeling for sending good into the world, or a favor in return; you absolve yourself of something that’s been burdensome to you. It takes practice to honestly give with no harbored intentions but it can be done. The harder part is remembering to not deplete your own stores. Inventory, always.
Selfish does not equal bad or harmful. Yup, part of the reason I went back was selfish- I didn’t want to be *that guy*. I’m ok with that part. There is also a genuine sense of wanting things to be better for the other person in an unselfish way. Infinite regression is possible here- you can infer a selfish motivation for any level or interpretation of altruism. In the end what matters is the act of kindness itself, for that may inspire other acts of kindness. If people take selfish pleasure from that the world is still a better place.